Stupid for you

A little something, something  before I leave.  Lately writing just isnt doing it for me anymore.  I think my heart is getting weaker.  My willpower is leaving me.   I just finished packing.  I wrote my parents a letter and I’m going to give it to Victor later incase I don’t come back.  I almost died last time and no one knew about it.    I want to backpack the Lost Coastal trail.  Its a week long hike starting from Polamares Trailhead, I’ve been scared to do that because of how long and hard it is.  Plus there are bears, elks and cougars along the trails, and high tides that can  block you from coming back.  I think I should be fine.  I’m going to come back.

I need to be around, just to make sure my parents are doing well.  Im all they have really.  I have to be around for Cee.  I need to make sure shes fine, but i have to heal my mind first and prepare myself if she ends up with this new guy.  Right now I am not strong enough mentally for it.  I’ve seen this pattern enough in my life to know I’m going to lose.  A part of me wants it to not workout between them, and a part of me wants her to go for it.  I want her to be happy, but in the end I want to be happy too, but I’m not willing to attain it at the expense of her happiness.  I told her that if she’s not happy, I won’t be happy.  Its mostly true.   I will never be happy if she’s hurt  in some ways.  I felt her pain when her dog died. Hearing  her cry ate me up inside.  I felt useless to her.

It sounds stupid, but I feel like we’re chained together.  Maybe I have to go through these difficult times to reach the end of the rainbow.  Good things don’t come easy.  Not for me.   Maybe If i wait long enough things will workout and Ill be happy.  Call it what you want but I feel fated with her.  She’s my other half.  I feel void without her in my life. I want to be with her.

Am I suppose to let her go?  Or do I keep trying?  What is the right thing to do? I just want to do the right thing.  If f she wants to be in my life, then I want to be in her’s.  But if the right thing is to give up and just be her band aid, I need to know so I don’t go too far.  I keep losing her and it hurts more each time.  She doesn’t open up and tell me how she feel, so I get confused.

This is what I need to figure out.  Come back with a better mind.

She wants to meet and hangout.  I don’t feel ready, because I feel  ugly outside.  But, if she wanted to meet me, I will do it.  Maybe if we break the ice and I feel comfortable, I can see her every weekend, every other weekend, whatever she wanted.  I’ll be physically closer to her.  And if I have to, I’d move down there just to be with her with time.  That is if she wanted to.  Whatever mountain I must climb, I’ll climb it.  I won’t fall this time, unless she wants me to.  I feel so selfish right now.  This is all  wishful thinking.  Its a dream.   I’d love to meet Brishani and Brian though.  They’re so cute.  Cee’s like their mother.  The way she talks about them, or talk to them. It melts my heart.  She’s such a loving sister.  They have an amazing relationship.

I don’t know what her “I love you too” meant.  I keep thinking about it.  Does she love love? Or just love? Too.  Unsure.

I have to leave.  Come back with a clearer mind.  I just hope she doesn’t get married and have a kid named Andy.  But that could be a good thing for her.  It just means she may have had a good life.  I just don’t want her to feel what I’ve felt or experience the things I’ve experienced in this life.  She will not be lonely.

So  I pray again right now, the same I do every night before I sleep that she will stay a good person, find love, find happiness, find success, find passion in this life.  And  I pray for my family, the same things.  For all of them to feel love and not experience any life changing hardship that may possibly come.

Its 2am now.  I have to drop my letter off at Victor’s.

I’m leaving now.  Very scared , but it hurts a little less.

Heavy.   I feel heavy.

I fall stupid for you Cassie Campos.

I want to write you a poem, a poem you’ll never read.

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She went out on a date.

Can’t sleep, tossing and turning.

She went out on a date with a  “friend”.

It took awhile to sting.  But it stings now.  Ouch.

Its my fault.  I guess it really does matter after all.

I am so confused.

I hope she had a nice date, the guy was good to her and that she had fun and came home safely.  I will try my best to not make a big deal out of this.

I am scared.

Its time to make a change.

Can someone just love me already? 😦

I’ve been writing about her a lot.

I never write about the happy days. I wish I do/did.  Going back and reading previous entries, all I could see are bad memories and not many of the good ones.   Those are the days I probably want to read about.

When I packed my clothe on Friday and about to leave the house, I saw her letter. It caught me off guard.  I sat in my car and started reading about it.   When I  got to the last page or 2, she talked about her fat loss surgery.  It frightened me so bad, I thought I would lose another person in my life I cared about.  I don’t know much about this surgery, but to me it sounded really life threatening and it made my heart pound.  I just had to text her right away.  I’ve been reading about it, so I can support her.

I read the letter again. I wish she knew I would never reject her, no matter how she looked.  I’m at the belief that beauty is within.  If you can’t find that,  you won’t find true love.  Then when you love someone, they will look pretty to you no matter how they look. At least that is how I feel.  The girl I’m with will be the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.  She likes sending me silly pictures for some reason.  I don’t mind it though. Its cute.

I don’t know why I’m suddenly remembering this……

In High School there was this guy, that I saw everyday. He was shy, walked everywhere by himself in this awkward mannerism.  He looked afraid to face the world.  I saw  people picking on him, I did nothing to help him even though I thought everyone was a piece of shit for doing that to him. I wanted to help him but I was too, shy and watched him deal with it everyday like a boss.  They pushed him around and punked him a lot. Kids were ass holes.

These kids ran into him while he was reading at the steps to the science building, eatting his lunch. The guy  spat  from above, it landed on his food and they all laughed. The kid was nearly crying and I kind of lost it.  I screamed at them asking them what their fucking problem was.  Punches started flying and I caught the end of it last when the kid ran into them and pushed them away, screaming at me to just run away.  Everything halted to a stop.  I hadn’t seen the kid since, but I thought….thank you.

I feel this is connected to how I’m feeling about now, but its hard to see the connection…  I just felt the need to write to remember it.

Cassie,

We talked that night and it made me really happy.  She’s back in my life, but for how long?  I don’t really know anymore, but I feel like her life is about to change. She’s gotten more people in her life now and I just don’t want to compete for that attention if she has better option. I don’t want to feel that rejection again, but I also don’t want to give up so easily.  I really don’t want to lose her.

She kind of hinted to me, the reason she started talking to me again was because of what Jada said.  I wish I knew what it was.  I honestly don’t know why Jada likes me so much.  We were never really that close or had much of a connection. I’m not even attractive.  She’s sweet, beautiful, smart and seems caring but Cassie Campos is all I think about.

“Everyone’s been asking me what I’m doing tonight?”I don’t want to bother her if she has someone else that she wants to be with. Her childhood friend.  That seems like a romantic novel waiting to be written.  I don’t want to be the person that makes her regret her decisions. I genuinely do care about how she feels, and the last thing I want for her is for her to be unhappy, but at the same time, my greed just wants to take her for myself. I don’t want to share her with anyone else.  I know I shouldn’t think like that, but she’s the one  thing in my life that truly makes me happy.  I look forward to talking to her every night, but I feel this void when I’m without her.  I’ve lost her twice already and the thought of losing her again haunts me.  I don’t know how to be myself anymore.    She asked me that question again.  “How old are you?”

I’ll promise not to be one of the men in her life that would abandon her.  As long as she doesn’t do so to me.  Why is it so hard for me to open about myself?  Get rejected and its done. Hurt for three months and move on.  Just do it! No.  She’s not someone I want to just toss away like that.

I’ve stuck through and kept coming back.  All because I  adore her.

There’s a saying, “It never hurts to try.”  But there are so many things wrong about that.  The moment I say anything wrong, it might change things forever. I don’t want to lose what I already  have. But if I don’t try, I might lose it anyways.  It;s so complicating.  I wish things were easy as picking out a box of cereal.  Even that can be hard for me.

What do I doooooo?  Just give me a sign.  😦

Relax.  Sleep.  Forget.

Keep it to yourself Andy, don’t make her life hard on her.

Sometimes you only need a few words.  Or three.

No Time,

Hurry up.  We’re dreaming.

Pay it Forward

My hospital bill just came in.   It gave me a heart attack.  My face is still kind of swollen and it still kind of hurt.  Its been a bad year. Now I have to find a way to come up with the money.  My friend invited me to his wedding in july, but Idont really feel like going.  I didnt go to his bachelor party. I’ve secluding myself from alot of people.  I dont really talk to most the people around me anymore.  It makes  me sad seeing happy people.   If I could, I’d take Cassie to the wedding as my date.  I stopped hearing from her.  I wish she’d talk to me again but I think the shipped has sailed. Maybe just once more so that’d I know shes doing well and to say sorry if I’ve upsetted her or made her feel ugly, but Im sure shes probably happier now. Good for her.  I need to stop thinking about her. I miss you.

Im going to take some time off work after I get off tonight.  I want to take a road trip and see more of Northern california and maybe even Oregon and smell the clean air.  Learn to appreciate whats out there and learn to love myself so I can learn to love the people and the environment around me again.  Maybe clear my mind and find peace.  Reminds me of that movie Into the Wild.

Maybe once I get back Ill try joining the army again. And fail the health test again. I hadnt fixed my knee problems yet but it doesnt bother me as much anymore.  Hopefully I wont get shot and killed.  If I do at least I wont feel guilty.  Im not going to get in anyways.

I think we all need to help someone more unfortunate than us.  There are plenty out there who needs our help. We need to pay it forward and make the world a better place, not for everyone, but for the people whos lives we’ve touched.  If we can all do this…..

Dear man in the sky

Today I am feeling really sad.   Mean people everywhere.  Please watch over everyone I care about.

I can’t sleep. Keep thinking about veggie tales.  I think I’m going to go for a run.

Get a job

Today I went to the lake to clear my mind.  I saw a homeless guy laying on the ground faced up with a bunch of seagulls all  over him.  I went over to check if he was alright.  He saw me coming and asked me kind of rudely if I had any money?  I ignored him and walked away.  As I was driving away, I thought about him for awhile and decided to turn the car back to go check up on him.  I asked him if he wanted something to eat?   I bought him 2 rotisserie chickens, a few bags of chips, a box of bottled water.  And an aplication…..  🙂

Milkyway

Ive seen all these new places. They’d be more amazing shared with her.

I forgive you

I started dating this girl at work.  She’s really cute looking and  had these really big boobs with an hour glass body.  A lot of guys at work look and stare at her like a bunch of perverts.  I stayed away from her for awhile because I thought she hated me for some reason or just snobby.  Everyday I’m sitting in the lunchroom reading and eating my lunch and she’d  walk pass by me multiple times to grab water or lunch.  She gives me this weird face and looks a way.  Sometimes she’d say hi kinda mean.  I figured maybe she doesn’t like me for some reason, so I never bothered talking to her. But a few weeks ago while sitting at the park just eatting a sandwich, she stopped and said hi to me.  We ended up going to the movies that weekend and went out a few times.  She was pretty cool and had a fun personality, but with her I didn’t feel like I wanted to know anything about her, I wondered what Cee was  doing.

I never felt like I knew enough about her.  I can listen to her talk forever. Sometimes I notice how she senses this awkward silence and starts talking about random stuff to make it less weird.  I appreciated that a lot.  She never really talks about herself.  Each night we talked,  I’d wake up thinking about her.  Sometimes I’d wake up to her voice in the morning and it makes my heart pound. It made me feel alive and happier when I leave for work.  I felt pleasant.  Now I wake up depressed.  I arrive at work, see my boss and I get angry.  I’d look at my phone to see if she texted me.  Nothing. I already expected nothing.   It got harder and harder each day for awhile.  Then I said fuck it.  She doesn’t give a shit about me…

Don’t go do dangerous things when you’re depressed.  The end result isn’t kind.  I survived Panther Beach somehow.  It was 4AM  in the morning and I was still awake.  It was hard to sleep, my eyes felt light, but my heart felt heavy.  I needed some air and drove down the 17 on an empty road.  My mind drifted and the yellow lines on the road darted by.  Its all I could see while listening to the waves smash against the rocks and static radio noise. Panther Beach is a secret mountainous beach.  There’s a rock there that spikes out 50 ft above the waves.  A 3rd of the way up there’s a secret cave that faces the sun when it rises. It’s an amazing view.  All the way to the top, all you see is the ocean.  It feels like a floating fortress above the sky when the sun is up.  I wanted to be up there, but it was the wrong night for it.  It was windy, cold and dark. I was alone.   I went climbing. The waves knocked me down.  I felt like everything in my body broke trying to crawl  out of the water. My body, face was mangled up.  I felt blood coming down my chin and my fingers felt broken.  I laid there in the cold, heart pounding hard but I couldn’t feel the pain. I waited until the sun came up and for someone to take me back.

My heart still hearts and I’m still recovering.  I’m all fucked up and mangled.

Cee messaged me a few weeks ago telling me a bout her insecurities being the reason she stopped talking to me.  I think she’s the type of girl that needs to be complimented everyday, she has this need to feel beautiful, but I already think she’s beautiful. Deep inside I think she knows this, but I don’t know if she believes herself or not.  Her eyes are just amazing.  I can stare into it forever. Her iris, like a milky way are percussion of stars. Her pupils inhale like the dense core of a supernova.  I want to lay face to face with her, stare at the catch light in her green eyes.  I wish I could tell her all this without grossing her out.  It would probably sound creepy coming from me.  I hope someday she meets someone that’ll tell her how beautiful she is inside and out.  He’ll say all these wonderful things to her and make her feel like a princess.  He’ll love her.  She’ll love him.  They’ll be happy and that will be that.

I’ve seen her on camera twice on accident.  She had it on while talking to me, but didn’t know.  I didn’t want to say anything, because I just wanted to see her.   Its not that I’m trying to sneak a peak, but more about getting to know her  better. I just wanted to feel more connected to her.  I wanted to hear her sing, and maybe one day see her dance.  I want to see her do the things that make her happy.  I remember when I first talked to her, she  talked a lot about dancing, she sounded so passionate about it.  She wanted to become a dance teacher.  She wanted to have a kid that danced with her like in that one video she showed me.  It was cute.   It then slowly faded and faded. I just wanted to hear her sing, remind her how amazing she is.  I sometimes wonder where all that passion went?   She tried singing to me once before a long time ago, she was so nervous.  From the little that I heard, she sounded  beautiful.   I wish she would at least share that part of her life with me. I just want to know her.

She had this youtube video of herself doing this ballet dance.  Ever since I watched that video, that Vanilla Sky song has been my favorite song.  It use to ease me everytime I’d listen to it.  I’d think about her jumping and tumbling, and then  think about the time she told me it made her feel “pretty”.    Now when I listen to it, it makes me feel different.  It became one of those happy songs that make you feel sad because it takes you back.

Christmas.  I thought we had never been closer. I talked to her practically all day.  I got to see her again as she walked  around, showing me her house. I wanted the day to last forever, but eventually it had to end.  I don’t know what happened, but she became more and more distant since.

I felt like an ugly Barry Allen to Iris West.  I kept all my feelings to myself, just to keep her happy and not lose her as a friend.  I know I’m not good looking, old, short and not the brightest or rich.  She deserves better.  I know it, but she didn’t have to suddenly leave me cold like the way she did.  It made me realize that she never really cared about me.  It felt like someone stabbed me in the heart.  I felt more betrayed than angry.  Its an aweful thing thing to do someone.  I’m getting angry just thinking about that right now.  I was so angry when she texted me.  So angry.  But I still miss her and I still l— her.    And I understand why she did what she did.

I was only ever someone around to feel the gap for her until she found someone else. She jokingly said that once to me, but I think deep down there was some honesty to it.   That’s how it felt the last few months.  I have this feeling in my heart that she wanted to be with Dalton and needed a way to let me go without hurting my feelings. It did the opposite.  It killed me inside.  She did it to me again.  It was abrupt.  Those nights before the last night, I felt she was fading from me.  I didn’t know what to do.  Its like  trying to run without legs.  You know something is coming but you can’t move to save yourself.

The only thing I have is a good heart.  Its not enough for people nowadays.  My age doesn’t help much either.  Its hard to get noticed when you don’t have the physical attributes.   I don’t blame her for wanting more.  Who doesn’t want the best?  I just wish it didnt have to be Dalton.  He is so wrong for her and deserves way better.    I just hope she ends up with someone who really appreciate her and not because she’s a pretty face or “mexican”.  She has so much  more to offer than that.

Her greatest attribute is her heart.  A girl like her is rare and  she’s hidden away where no one can find her.   Only the internet knows she exist and  I feel like I’m the only one that really appreciates her for who she is.

Sometimes I wonder if  I was a horrible person in my past life and is paying my dues in this life. My mom told me when I was growing up that I’m probably going to struggle in life. Some nights  before bed I look in the mirror and touch the scar on my face and think everything has been true so far.  I sometimes want to give up, but I think about my family and it keeps me moving.  I have so much pain built up in my heart over the past years, it gets harder and harder each day.  Its hard to stay positive, but I felt like my passion and motivation was starting to come back when I met her.

I only have a few things from her.  I once in awhile look at it and then put it away.  I don’t know what to do with it. Its the only thing of hers. But it hurts everytime I look at it.  Sometimes I can smell her scent when I look at this shirt she got me.   I had it by my side for awhile, but  a decided to put it awaay  awhile ago. It reminded me of her so  much.  She made me this friendship bracelet.  Ive been looking at it  and don’t know what to do with it.  I want to throw it out because it hurts so much seeing it, but I can’t.  She made it for me and its the most important thing I have of hers.

I learn from her a lot.  She teaches me to respect and to love. She told me to tell my mom she’s pretty.  Now I do that all the time. I give her flowers and remind her I care. She’s a reminder that there are good people out there.  I feel whoever ends up with her, will be the luckiest guy in the world.  I know its cliche, but I  do think that.  She’s rare.  I’ve never met a girl with such a beautiful heart. She really does touch my soul.  She makes me happy, I forget how aweful life can be when  I’m lying in bed, listening to her talk.  When she preaches me, tells me about god, it relaxes me so much.  She has this power over me. She scares me sometimes.

I still wonder what that problem she had was, that she couldn’t tell me.  I don’t think  I will ever know now, but I hope she’s  alright. Someones watching over her.

I’m stressed and getting fat again.
I need to get back on track and get back some positive energy.   Have faith Andy. Things will get better.

—-

I don’t wanna call you
Because I used to call you everyday and night
I don’t want to l— you
Because I wouldn’t be able to do anything on my own

Gravity starts to pull me down a little
I caught my breath and headed towards the middle
She doesn’t want to fall the day she leaves me

The more I devote myself to you
The more my own identity will be gone

I don’t want to miss you
That’s why I refuse to care about you any more

The more I devote myself to you
The more my own identity will be gone

I’ll do this all on my own

I miss you stitch.

Its been the longest I’ve heard from Cassie in awhile.  We haven’t really talked much the last few weeks and now she’s completely stopped talking to me.  I really miss her.  I really want to call her and ask her how she’s doing, but I know I should just let her be.  I just hope things are ok with us, but if not I hope she is happy.  Miss you cassie.

Stitch also died this week.  I’ve had him for over 12 years, love him.  He had cancer, we were about to put him to sleep, but on the drive there, he had a seizure and died.

I feel lonely right now.