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Part of life.

One of the realities is that singular events can ruin or end a life. It happens.

You can not prevent things like this from happening… It is part of life.

I can’t remember how many times I should have died… I have almost died about 5.. and have actually technically died once. If not for the quick thinking of a vacationing Royal Canadian Marine, I would never have seen my fifth birthday.

sometimes one second of inattention… one bad decision… one freak coincidence… is all it takes.

Freedom is the freedom to make those mistakes… if you try to disallow the person the choice, then you have taken their freedom away from them “for their own good

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Always be yourself

 

But if you can be Batman.  Be Batman.  Is better.

Super heroes

Suddenly I just realized that they’re metaphors for second chances

People suck

Today I got a gun pointed at me and robbed. I’m losing faith in humanity.

Why are people such scums.  Things like these make it hard to not stereotype.

I wanted to hurt them so bad.

I worked hard to build my business and now most of it is all gone.  This year keeps getting worse.

I waited an hour for the cops to come.  They took long because there was someone who got stabbed around the block and a kid, kidnapped.  People are pretty cruel to each other.

Get back up

Rocky said it best.

Its not how many punches you take, but how many punches you take and then still get get back up.

It’s the end of the year now.  I never learned to swim.  I failed.

I failed a lot this year and  I’m still here.  I guess I’m thankful for that.  My whole life thus far has been just getting back up.

I was over at my sister’s house today for Christmas.  My mom and dad in one corner alone, my sister in her room by herself crying, my brother in law walked in and out of the room, my brothers were scattered.  Everyone was in their own.  I was in my nephew’s room just staring at the list of things he wrote on the wall. He had a list of 15 signs to know if you have strong will or not.  I sat and reassessed myself wondering if I can ever over come certain things.  Each year I try to change myself, but how much have I really changed?

The last few months my brothers and I have been taking care of the kids a lot.  They’ve been spending so much time with us and I got to know them all a little more except Jayden.  Jayden still spends a lot of time with his parents, which I’m happy about.  He’s been gaining a ton of weight. I’m fine with him being overweight as long as he’s happy, but he’s just a kid.  I don’t want him growing up with self esteem problem and have depression.  No one should feel bad about being overweight, but in today’s society, people tend to be hard on themselves and judgement gets passed around. People care too much about what others think of them.   Its one of the worse feelings to have when someone you care about is depressed.  His mom and dad doesn’t feed him properly.  I get mad sometimes coming over their house, seeing him  eat fast food and junk food because there is no cooked meal.  Its like his parents don’t care about his well being.  It just pisses me off.

There’s something going on between my mom and sister.  They don’t seem to be talking to each other anymore.  My sister gets really depressed  when my mom is around.  She’s always criticizing her, but maybe because of her anxiety, it makes it worse.  I was mad at her for the longest time for not spending enough time with the kids or paying attention to my parents more but I don’t know if I will truly know why.   I just know that things aren’t that great over there right now.   I don’t really know why my sister was crying, I wanted to see if shes ok but I just didn’t know what to say.

I asked her if she was ok.  She just said she was fine.  We’re not very close.  Sometimes I see a close family, I get a little jealous.  I get emotionally touched by it.  Its pretty.  Its like the fake pictures I take sometimes.  Fake smiles.  Fake to see.  Long enough for me to believe.    I can read people’s eyes.  Know how they’re feeling and where they’ve been.  We all can when we stare long enough and listen.

This year my nephew Alex, told me he is much happier.  I can see it in his eyes, in his face, in the way he presents himself now.  He always looked irritated before.  He told me he took some pills, OD’ed in my brother’s bed when he was on vacation. He wanted to kill himself because he couldn’t face the fact that he was gay.  He was afraid of judgement.  He woke up the next morning cried.  He cried at school alone.  His friend asked him why.  It changed who he was.  Small things can change lives.  It suprised me.  How did I not ever see this?  It made me want to  cry, being so unaware of  someone close to me.

I always wore on my sleeve, being able to see things and understand people, but I never saw it.   If I never saw this, then maybe I don’t see a lot of things.

The older I get, the less I really care about myself and worry more about my loved ones.  I care about the people I see everyday, whether or not they’re my friends or family.   I wonder about the footprints of people’s lives sometimes.  What small footstep they took to be who they are.

 

I think about the people in my life all the time.  I think about the last close person to me.  She was special to me.  She made me happy and I felt loved. I failed to make her happy.  It made me sad, but contemplation made me realize  I didn’t have much to offer and that life without me would be a better life for her. Maybe one day something good will happen.  Maybe one day I will find peace.  Maybe it  won’t happen  until I’m peacefully lying, but the punches won’t put me down.

Yesterday I walked the path I walked for years.  Years ago back in 2000, I met this homeless caucasian guy about middle aged and seemingly intelligent. Pretty clean for being homeless.  He always had something wise and positive to say.  I bought him food every morning walking down that side walk. I knew him for 3 years and then I took a semester off from school.  He was gone when I returned..  I said to Chris, I wonder if that  guy died or got a job.  He was nice to me.   Then Chris said he probably wondered the same about me.

Just because someone is no longer in your life, it doesn’t mean they are less important.  Its funny how something no longer in your life can still be so important.

Right now I don’t feel like I have anything in my life to make me feel positive. I have this feeling of hopelessness.  I have pent up anger and sadness.  I have nothing. I have no one.  Maybe one day something good will come.

Life is strange.

I miss everything good in my life.  This year I got to experience amazing things.  Visited   an amazing girl.   Fought my demons.  Got closer to my nephew.  Started my business.  Saw my family happy.  Went traveling.  etc etc etc.

But it all suddenly…..flipped.

Things have gotten chaotic for me lately.  I feel like I’ve lost  everything.  Now I’m broke.  I can’t keep up with all these problems.  Car problems after car problems, family issues arising.  Its hard to stay positive, but here I am now writing this.  I feel better.  2016 is just around the corner.

 

 

Just takes time

12th grade, I feel depressed as shit, cuz my heart is in the future and I know where I belong, it just takes time.

Let me paint and hone my craft, it just takes time. Making artists feel self-conscious from the honesty and soul and….I don’t mind.

25, I’m feeling scared as shit, Cuz I’m dropping out of college from a few mistakes

I’m out of my mind.

Look, son your future came today as her mother cries

25, I’m scared as shit

I lost my job, I lost my mind, fuck them all cuz all my bills have yet been paid

Fast forward, now I’m  34

Yea, I’ve been working, I deserve this, I don’t know where I belong.

34, I feel depressed as shit.

 

I like Jon  Bellion.

 

 

July 30th

Cassie was suppose to come visit me today.  It was suppose to be our first time together.  Now…how ironic.  I’ve been pretty depressed the last 2 days.  She says it has nothing to do with me. Somehow  I Dont feel like she’s being honest.  Shes always telling me about how I need to be open about how I feel, but she never shares with me about what she feels until its too late. I always worry about her even when shes gone.  She consumes my mind, but I can’t tell her everything.  Its overwhelming for the both of us.  I hope she ok.  I just want her to be happy.

I met her a few weeks ago for “COMICON.”  It costed me a shit load of money to stay there that week because of the event.  Prices were super inflated.  Im still glad I went though.   I wish I could relive that day again.  I wish I had something concrete to remember that day.  Like a picture with her.  She was so shy.  It confused me. 

You’re Perfect

Cassie Campos,  you’re always in my head.    It makes me want to cry sometimes because I want you here with me so bad.  I want so bad to tell you how so much you mean to me.  You’re to me more than just a friend.  I’m hopelessly in love with you.  Every night I picture myself asking you to be my lady.  When it starts rolling out my tongue,  I turn into a coward.  My tail between my legs.  More so than rejection, I’m afraid I’d lose you.  I’m afraid because you’re more than special to me.  You’re my heart that won’t stop beating. 

Im kind of sad now that shes no longer coming to see me.  I kind of knew it was too good to be true.  Deep down though  I really wanted this and thought it might really be happening. That maybe we will finally get to be together. The thought of her willing to come up here just to see me made me happy, yet extemely nervous.
I understand that its difficult, but I wish she’d just take that chance for me.  It would show how much she cared about me.  It would be one of the happiest day of my life if not.

On Wednesday we talked on webcam for the first time. I was so incredibly nervous.   I wanted her to like me so bad I almost had a panic attack but in the end it was worth.it.   She was the most beautiful thing Ive ever seen. I couldnt stop staring. My heart wouldnt stop pounding.  Her smile was so beautiful and charming it made me smile. It had magical powers. I love everything about this girl. I don’want to give her up to anyone. I cant get enough of her.  Shes so sweet.  There are no faults in her.

Im at the point where I just want to come see her.   Drive that 10 hours  on the empty road alone, just to be with her.  If she loves me back it will all be worth it.  Either way I just want to be with her and love her forever and hope just maybe she too would love me forever too. Dont leave me there alone by myself to think of you.

I just hope if I came to see her, that she would stay with me every nite until I leave. Or….follow me home lol. I want to lay next to her and just get lost in those beautiful green eyes, watch her curl her lips and smile, listen to her whisper, softly talk to me as she falls asleep like we do each night. Hold her hands and tell her how amazing she is. I dont care where we go or what we do, I just want to spend all my time with her, hold her hand walking down the streets and show the world how much I love this girl. Cassie Campos, youre the perfect girl for me. I hope one day we meet if not soon. And I hope youd be my sugar pie.

We kept this cold

Listen to it, this landscape’s so beautiful
The stars so loud
Windless
Calm Cricket chirps make me whole
I can’t break these thoughts.

We were  both loners in our little place
Now she’s got someone and I’ve got faith
That she’ll find me at the end.
I’ve got this stick
Ink at the end,
writing a few  lines
who you are to me
A pretty girl in my room
Laying here some nights
Noses together,
Our voices touching

Galaxy Green  Gaze,
Help me, I’m collected in theses explosion of stars
take me to you, we’re separated
I’m chasing the milkyway,
Its the only way now
I can take in your eyes,

The fading in your voice
The Sound before you sleep
I remember rain fell all night
The crashing on glass
Laying here some nights

Brought me closer to
The song in your shaking voice
Your Pas de Basque sang
Vanilla sky in my head
overflows like  rain
my thoughts one thick pile
There is no way it can pool

I hear myself airly crying, your name in my sleep
Listen to me, I wish you could hear me
Close our eyes so
Wake me morning sunny Belle
Say bye to me,
So I can leave, and come home to you
Come home to
see you, the first time today
come home to starry eyes
Darling dainty, voice
You’re who I want to hear
to take me home
and repeat
today, tomorrow
I’m remain on sand,
Espy Pretty Sea,
You’ll always be
The heart that moves in me
You’re here
but why?
For you,
I’m writing a poem of missing
A poem you’ll never see.

-Andyman

A Great Big World – “Say Something”