Get back up

Rocky said it best.

Its not how many punches you take, but how many punches you take and then still get get back up.

It’s the end of the year now.  I never learned to swim.  I failed.

I failed a lot this year and  I’m still here.  I guess I’m thankful for that.  My whole life thus far has been just getting back up.

I was over at my sister’s house today for Christmas.  My mom and dad in one corner alone, my sister in her room by herself crying, my brother in law walked in and out of the room, my brothers were scattered.  Everyone was in their own.  I was in my nephew’s room just staring at the list of things he wrote on the wall. He had a list of 15 signs to know if you have strong will or not.  I sat and reassessed myself wondering if I can ever over come certain things.  Each year I try to change myself, but how much have I really changed?

The last few months my brothers and I have been taking care of the kids a lot.  They’ve been spending so much time with us and I got to know them all a little more except Jayden.  Jayden still spends a lot of time with his parents, which I’m happy about.  He’s been gaining a ton of weight. I’m fine with him being overweight as long as he’s happy, but he’s just a kid.  I don’t want him growing up with self esteem problem and have depression.  No one should feel bad about being overweight, but in today’s society, people tend to be hard on themselves and judgement gets passed around. People care too much about what others think of them.   Its one of the worse feelings to have when someone you care about is depressed.  His mom and dad doesn’t feed him properly.  I get mad sometimes coming over their house, seeing him  eat fast food and junk food because there is no cooked meal.  Its like his parents don’t care about his well being.  It just pisses me off.

There’s something going on between my mom and sister.  They don’t seem to be talking to each other anymore.  My sister gets really depressed  when my mom is around.  She’s always criticizing her, but maybe because of her anxiety, it makes it worse.  I was mad at her for the longest time for not spending enough time with the kids or paying attention to my parents more but I don’t know if I will truly know why.   I just know that things aren’t that great over there right now.   I don’t really know why my sister was crying, I wanted to see if shes ok but I just didn’t know what to say.

I asked her if she was ok.  She just said she was fine.  We’re not very close.  Sometimes I see a close family, I get a little jealous.  I get emotionally touched by it.  Its pretty.  Its like the fake pictures I take sometimes.  Fake smiles.  Fake to see.  Long enough for me to believe.    I can read people’s eyes.  Know how they’re feeling and where they’ve been.  We all can when we stare long enough and listen.

This year my nephew Alex, told me he is much happier.  I can see it in his eyes, in his face, in the way he presents himself now.  He always looked irritated before.  He told me he took some pills, OD’ed in my brother’s bed when he was on vacation. He wanted to kill himself because he couldn’t face the fact that he was gay.  He was afraid of judgement.  He woke up the next morning cried.  He cried at school alone.  His friend asked him why.  It changed who he was.  Small things can change lives.  It suprised me.  How did I not ever see this?  It made me want to  cry, being so unaware of  someone close to me.

I always wore on my sleeve, being able to see things and understand people, but I never saw it.   If I never saw this, then maybe I don’t see a lot of things.

The older I get, the less I really care about myself and worry more about my loved ones.  I care about the people I see everyday, whether or not they’re my friends or family.   I wonder about the footprints of people’s lives sometimes.  What small footstep they took to be who they are.

 

I think about the people in my life all the time.  I think about the last close person to me.  She was special to me.  She made me happy and I felt loved. I failed to make her happy.  It made me sad, but contemplation made me realize  I didn’t have much to offer and that life without me would be a better life for her. Maybe one day something good will happen.  Maybe one day I will find peace.  Maybe it  won’t happen  until I’m peacefully lying, but the punches won’t put me down.

Yesterday I walked the path I walked for years.  Years ago back in 2000, I met this homeless caucasian guy about middle aged and seemingly intelligent. Pretty clean for being homeless.  He always had something wise and positive to say.  I bought him food every morning walking down that side walk. I knew him for 3 years and then I took a semester off from school.  He was gone when I returned..  I said to Chris, I wonder if that  guy died or got a job.  He was nice to me.   Then Chris said he probably wondered the same about me.

Just because someone is no longer in your life, it doesn’t mean they are less important.  Its funny how something no longer in your life can still be so important.

Right now I don’t feel like I have anything in my life to make me feel positive. I have this feeling of hopelessness.  I have pent up anger and sadness.  I have nothing. I have no one.  Maybe one day something good will come.

Life is strange.

I miss everything good in my life.  This year I got to experience amazing things.  Visited   an amazing girl.   Fought my demons.  Got closer to my nephew.  Started my business.  Saw my family happy.  Went traveling.  etc etc etc.

But it all suddenly…..flipped.

Things have gotten chaotic for me lately.  I feel like I’ve lost  everything.  Now I’m broke.  I can’t keep up with all these problems.  Car problems after car problems, family issues arising.  Its hard to stay positive, but here I am now writing this.  I feel better.  2016 is just around the corner.

 

 

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