Stupid for you

A little something, something  before I leave.  Lately writing just isnt doing it for me anymore.  I think my heart is getting weaker.  My willpower is leaving me.   I just finished packing.  I wrote my parents a letter and I’m going to give it to Victor later incase I don’t come back.  I almost died last time and no one knew about it.    I want to backpack the Lost Coastal trail.  Its a week long hike starting from Polamares Trailhead, I’ve been scared to do that because of how long and hard it is.  Plus there are bears, elks and cougars along the trails, and high tides that can  block you from coming back.  I think I should be fine.  I’m going to come back.

I need to be around, just to make sure my parents are doing well.  Im all they have really.  I have to be around for Cee.  I need to make sure shes fine, but i have to heal my mind first and prepare myself if she ends up with this new guy.  Right now I am not strong enough mentally for it.  I’ve seen this pattern enough in my life to know I’m going to lose.  A part of me wants it to not workout between them, and a part of me wants her to go for it.  I want her to be happy, but in the end I want to be happy too, but I’m not willing to attain it at the expense of her happiness.  I told her that if she’s not happy, I won’t be happy.  Its mostly true.   I will never be happy if she’s hurt  in some ways.  I felt her pain when her dog died. Hearing  her cry ate me up inside.  I felt useless to her.

It sounds stupid, but I feel like we’re chained together.  Maybe I have to go through these difficult times to reach the end of the rainbow.  Good things don’t come easy.  Not for me.   Maybe If i wait long enough things will workout and Ill be happy.  Call it what you want but I feel fated with her.  She’s my other half.  I feel void without her in my life. I want to be with her.

Am I suppose to let her go?  Or do I keep trying?  What is the right thing to do? I just want to do the right thing.  If f she wants to be in my life, then I want to be in her’s.  But if the right thing is to give up and just be her band aid, I need to know so I don’t go too far.  I keep losing her and it hurts more each time.  She doesn’t open up and tell me how she feel, so I get confused.

This is what I need to figure out.  Come back with a better mind.

She wants to meet and hangout.  I don’t feel ready, because I feel  ugly outside.  But, if she wanted to meet me, I will do it.  Maybe if we break the ice and I feel comfortable, I can see her every weekend, every other weekend, whatever she wanted.  I’ll be physically closer to her.  And if I have to, I’d move down there just to be with her with time.  That is if she wanted to.  Whatever mountain I must climb, I’ll climb it.  I won’t fall this time, unless she wants me to.  I feel so selfish right now.  This is all  wishful thinking.  Its a dream.   I’d love to meet Brishani and Brian though.  They’re so cute.  Cee’s like their mother.  The way she talks about them, or talk to them. It melts my heart.  She’s such a loving sister.  They have an amazing relationship.

I don’t know what her “I love you too” meant.  I keep thinking about it.  Does she love love? Or just love? Too.  Unsure.

I have to leave.  Come back with a clearer mind.  I just hope she doesn’t get married and have a kid named Andy.  But that could be a good thing for her.  It just means she may have had a good life.  I just don’t want her to feel what I’ve felt or experience the things I’ve experienced in this life.  She will not be lonely.

So  I pray again right now, the same I do every night before I sleep that she will stay a good person, find love, find happiness, find success, find passion in this life.  And  I pray for my family, the same things.  For all of them to feel love and not experience any life changing hardship that may possibly come.

Its 2am now.  I have to drop my letter off at Victor’s.

I’m leaving now.  Very scared , but it hurts a little less.

Heavy.   I feel heavy.

I fall stupid for you Cassie Campos.

I want to write you a poem, a poem you’ll never read.

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