I’ve been writing about her a lot.

I never write about the happy days. I wish I do/did.  Going back and reading previous entries, all I could see are bad memories and not many of the good ones.   Those are the days I probably want to read about.

When I packed my clothe on Friday and about to leave the house, I saw her letter. It caught me off guard.  I sat in my car and started reading about it.   When I  got to the last page or 2, she talked about her fat loss surgery.  It frightened me so bad, I thought I would lose another person in my life I cared about.  I don’t know much about this surgery, but to me it sounded really life threatening and it made my heart pound.  I just had to text her right away.  I’ve been reading about it, so I can support her.

I read the letter again. I wish she knew I would never reject her, no matter how she looked.  I’m at the belief that beauty is within.  If you can’t find that,  you won’t find true love.  Then when you love someone, they will look pretty to you no matter how they look. At least that is how I feel.  The girl I’m with will be the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.  She likes sending me silly pictures for some reason.  I don’t mind it though. Its cute.

I don’t know why I’m suddenly remembering this……

In High School there was this guy, that I saw everyday. He was shy, walked everywhere by himself in this awkward mannerism.  He looked afraid to face the world.  I saw  people picking on him, I did nothing to help him even though I thought everyone was a piece of shit for doing that to him. I wanted to help him but I was too, shy and watched him deal with it everyday like a boss.  They pushed him around and punked him a lot. Kids were ass holes.

These kids ran into him while he was reading at the steps to the science building, eatting his lunch. The guy  spat  from above, it landed on his food and they all laughed. The kid was nearly crying and I kind of lost it.  I screamed at them asking them what their fucking problem was.  Punches started flying and I caught the end of it last when the kid ran into them and pushed them away, screaming at me to just run away.  Everything halted to a stop.  I hadn’t seen the kid since, but I thought….thank you.

I feel this is connected to how I’m feeling about now, but its hard to see the connection…  I just felt the need to write to remember it.

Cassie,

We talked that night and it made me really happy.  She’s back in my life, but for how long?  I don’t really know anymore, but I feel like her life is about to change. She’s gotten more people in her life now and I just don’t want to compete for that attention if she has better option. I don’t want to feel that rejection again, but I also don’t want to give up so easily.  I really don’t want to lose her.

She kind of hinted to me, the reason she started talking to me again was because of what Jada said.  I wish I knew what it was.  I honestly don’t know why Jada likes me so much.  We were never really that close or had much of a connection. I’m not even attractive.  She’s sweet, beautiful, smart and seems caring but Cassie Campos is all I think about.

“Everyone’s been asking me what I’m doing tonight?”I don’t want to bother her if she has someone else that she wants to be with. Her childhood friend.  That seems like a romantic novel waiting to be written.  I don’t want to be the person that makes her regret her decisions. I genuinely do care about how she feels, and the last thing I want for her is for her to be unhappy, but at the same time, my greed just wants to take her for myself. I don’t want to share her with anyone else.  I know I shouldn’t think like that, but she’s the one  thing in my life that truly makes me happy.  I look forward to talking to her every night, but I feel this void when I’m without her.  I’ve lost her twice already and the thought of losing her again haunts me.  I don’t know how to be myself anymore.    She asked me that question again.  “How old are you?”

I’ll promise not to be one of the men in her life that would abandon her.  As long as she doesn’t do so to me.  Why is it so hard for me to open about myself?  Get rejected and its done. Hurt for three months and move on.  Just do it! No.  She’s not someone I want to just toss away like that.

I’ve stuck through and kept coming back.  All because I  adore her.

There’s a saying, “It never hurts to try.”  But there are so many things wrong about that.  The moment I say anything wrong, it might change things forever. I don’t want to lose what I already  have. But if I don’t try, I might lose it anyways.  It;s so complicating.  I wish things were easy as picking out a box of cereal.  Even that can be hard for me.

What do I doooooo?  Just give me a sign.  😦

Relax.  Sleep.  Forget.

Keep it to yourself Andy, don’t make her life hard on her.

Sometimes you only need a few words.  Or three.

No Time,

Hurry up.  We’re dreaming.

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