Archive | June 2015

You’re Perfect

Cassie Campos,  you’re always in my head.    It makes me want to cry sometimes because I want you here with me so bad.  I want so bad to tell you how so much you mean to me.  You’re to me more than just a friend.  I’m hopelessly in love with you.  Every night I picture myself asking you to be my lady.  When it starts rolling out my tongue,  I turn into a coward.  My tail between my legs.  More so than rejection, I’m afraid I’d lose you.  I’m afraid because you’re more than special to me.  You’re my heart that won’t stop beating. 

Im kind of sad now that shes no longer coming to see me.  I kind of knew it was too good to be true.  Deep down though  I really wanted this and thought it might really be happening. That maybe we will finally get to be together. The thought of her willing to come up here just to see me made me happy, yet extemely nervous.
I understand that its difficult, but I wish she’d just take that chance for me.  It would show how much she cared about me.  It would be one of the happiest day of my life if not.

On Wednesday we talked on webcam for the first time. I was so incredibly nervous.   I wanted her to like me so bad I almost had a panic attack but in the end it was worth.it.   She was the most beautiful thing Ive ever seen. I couldnt stop staring. My heart wouldnt stop pounding.  Her smile was so beautiful and charming it made me smile. It had magical powers. I love everything about this girl. I don’want to give her up to anyone. I cant get enough of her.  Shes so sweet.  There are no faults in her.

Im at the point where I just want to come see her.   Drive that 10 hours  on the empty road alone, just to be with her.  If she loves me back it will all be worth it.  Either way I just want to be with her and love her forever and hope just maybe she too would love me forever too. Dont leave me there alone by myself to think of you.

I just hope if I came to see her, that she would stay with me every nite until I leave. Or….follow me home lol. I want to lay next to her and just get lost in those beautiful green eyes, watch her curl her lips and smile, listen to her whisper, softly talk to me as she falls asleep like we do each night. Hold her hands and tell her how amazing she is. I dont care where we go or what we do, I just want to spend all my time with her, hold her hand walking down the streets and show the world how much I love this girl. Cassie Campos, youre the perfect girl for me. I hope one day we meet if not soon. And I hope youd be my sugar pie.

We kept this cold

Listen to it, this landscape’s so beautiful
The stars so loud
Windless
Calm Cricket chirps make me whole
I can’t break these thoughts.

We were  both loners in our little place
Now she’s got someone and I’ve got faith
That she’ll find me at the end.
I’ve got this stick
Ink at the end,
writing a few  lines
who you are to me
A pretty girl in my room
Laying here some nights
Noses together,
Our voices touching

Galaxy Green  Gaze,
Help me, I’m collected in theses explosion of stars
take me to you, we’re separated
I’m chasing the milkyway,
Its the only way now
I can take in your eyes,

The fading in your voice
The Sound before you sleep
I remember rain fell all night
The crashing on glass
Laying here some nights

Brought me closer to
The song in your shaking voice
Your Pas de Basque sang
Vanilla sky in my head
overflows like  rain
my thoughts one thick pile
There is no way it can pool

I hear myself airly crying, your name in my sleep
Listen to me, I wish you could hear me
Close our eyes so
Wake me morning sunny Belle
Say bye to me,
So I can leave, and come home to you
Come home to
see you, the first time today
come home to starry eyes
Darling dainty, voice
You’re who I want to hear
to take me home
and repeat
today, tomorrow
I’m remain on sand,
Espy Pretty Sea,
You’ll always be
The heart that moves in me
You’re here
but why?
For you,
I’m writing a poem of missing
A poem you’ll never see.

-Andyman

A Great Big World – “Say Something”

Stupid for you

A little something, something  before I leave.  Lately writing just isnt doing it for me anymore.  I think my heart is getting weaker.  My willpower is leaving me.   I just finished packing.  I wrote my parents a letter and I’m going to give it to Victor later incase I don’t come back.  I almost died last time and no one knew about it.    I want to backpack the Lost Coastal trail.  Its a week long hike starting from Polamares Trailhead, I’ve been scared to do that because of how long and hard it is.  Plus there are bears, elks and cougars along the trails, and high tides that can  block you from coming back.  I think I should be fine.  I’m going to come back.

I need to be around, just to make sure my parents are doing well.  Im all they have really.  I have to be around for Cee.  I need to make sure shes fine, but i have to heal my mind first and prepare myself if she ends up with this new guy.  Right now I am not strong enough mentally for it.  I’ve seen this pattern enough in my life to know I’m going to lose.  A part of me wants it to not workout between them, and a part of me wants her to go for it.  I want her to be happy, but in the end I want to be happy too, but I’m not willing to attain it at the expense of her happiness.  I told her that if she’s not happy, I won’t be happy.  Its mostly true.   I will never be happy if she’s hurt  in some ways.  I felt her pain when her dog died. Hearing  her cry ate me up inside.  I felt useless to her.

It sounds stupid, but I feel like we’re chained together.  Maybe I have to go through these difficult times to reach the end of the rainbow.  Good things don’t come easy.  Not for me.   Maybe If i wait long enough things will workout and Ill be happy.  Call it what you want but I feel fated with her.  She’s my other half.  I feel void without her in my life. I want to be with her.

Am I suppose to let her go?  Or do I keep trying?  What is the right thing to do? I just want to do the right thing.  If f she wants to be in my life, then I want to be in her’s.  But if the right thing is to give up and just be her band aid, I need to know so I don’t go too far.  I keep losing her and it hurts more each time.  She doesn’t open up and tell me how she feel, so I get confused.

This is what I need to figure out.  Come back with a better mind.

She wants to meet and hangout.  I don’t feel ready, because I feel  ugly outside.  But, if she wanted to meet me, I will do it.  Maybe if we break the ice and I feel comfortable, I can see her every weekend, every other weekend, whatever she wanted.  I’ll be physically closer to her.  And if I have to, I’d move down there just to be with her with time.  That is if she wanted to.  Whatever mountain I must climb, I’ll climb it.  I won’t fall this time, unless she wants me to.  I feel so selfish right now.  This is all  wishful thinking.  Its a dream.   I’d love to meet Brishani and Brian though.  They’re so cute.  Cee’s like their mother.  The way she talks about them, or talk to them. It melts my heart.  She’s such a loving sister.  They have an amazing relationship.

I don’t know what her “I love you too” meant.  I keep thinking about it.  Does she love love? Or just love? Too.  Unsure.

I have to leave.  Come back with a clearer mind.  I just hope she doesn’t get married and have a kid named Andy.  But that could be a good thing for her.  It just means she may have had a good life.  I just don’t want her to feel what I’ve felt or experience the things I’ve experienced in this life.  She will not be lonely.

So  I pray again right now, the same I do every night before I sleep that she will stay a good person, find love, find happiness, find success, find passion in this life.  And  I pray for my family, the same things.  For all of them to feel love and not experience any life changing hardship that may possibly come.

Its 2am now.  I have to drop my letter off at Victor’s.

I’m leaving now.  Very scared , but it hurts a little less.

Heavy.   I feel heavy.

I fall stupid for you Cassie Campos.

I want to write you a poem, a poem you’ll never read.

She went out on a date.

Can’t sleep, tossing and turning.

She went out on a date with a  “friend”.

It took awhile to sting.  But it stings now.  Ouch.

Its my fault.  I guess it really does matter after all.

I am so confused.

I hope she had a nice date, the guy was good to her and that she had fun and came home safely.  I will try my best to not make a big deal out of this.

I am scared.

Its time to make a change.

Can someone just love me already? 😦

I’ve been writing about her a lot.

I never write about the happy days. I wish I do/did.  Going back and reading previous entries, all I could see are bad memories and not many of the good ones.   Those are the days I probably want to read about.

When I packed my clothe on Friday and about to leave the house, I saw her letter. It caught me off guard.  I sat in my car and started reading about it.   When I  got to the last page or 2, she talked about her fat loss surgery.  It frightened me so bad, I thought I would lose another person in my life I cared about.  I don’t know much about this surgery, but to me it sounded really life threatening and it made my heart pound.  I just had to text her right away.  I’ve been reading about it, so I can support her.

I read the letter again. I wish she knew I would never reject her, no matter how she looked.  I’m at the belief that beauty is within.  If you can’t find that,  you won’t find true love.  Then when you love someone, they will look pretty to you no matter how they look. At least that is how I feel.  The girl I’m with will be the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.  She likes sending me silly pictures for some reason.  I don’t mind it though. Its cute.

I don’t know why I’m suddenly remembering this……

In High School there was this guy, that I saw everyday. He was shy, walked everywhere by himself in this awkward mannerism.  He looked afraid to face the world.  I saw  people picking on him, I did nothing to help him even though I thought everyone was a piece of shit for doing that to him. I wanted to help him but I was too, shy and watched him deal with it everyday like a boss.  They pushed him around and punked him a lot. Kids were ass holes.

These kids ran into him while he was reading at the steps to the science building, eatting his lunch. The guy  spat  from above, it landed on his food and they all laughed. The kid was nearly crying and I kind of lost it.  I screamed at them asking them what their fucking problem was.  Punches started flying and I caught the end of it last when the kid ran into them and pushed them away, screaming at me to just run away.  Everything halted to a stop.  I hadn’t seen the kid since, but I thought….thank you.

I feel this is connected to how I’m feeling about now, but its hard to see the connection…  I just felt the need to write to remember it.

Cassie,

We talked that night and it made me really happy.  She’s back in my life, but for how long?  I don’t really know anymore, but I feel like her life is about to change. She’s gotten more people in her life now and I just don’t want to compete for that attention if she has better option. I don’t want to feel that rejection again, but I also don’t want to give up so easily.  I really don’t want to lose her.

She kind of hinted to me, the reason she started talking to me again was because of what Jada said.  I wish I knew what it was.  I honestly don’t know why Jada likes me so much.  We were never really that close or had much of a connection. I’m not even attractive.  She’s sweet, beautiful, smart and seems caring but Cassie Campos is all I think about.

“Everyone’s been asking me what I’m doing tonight?”I don’t want to bother her if she has someone else that she wants to be with. Her childhood friend.  That seems like a romantic novel waiting to be written.  I don’t want to be the person that makes her regret her decisions. I genuinely do care about how she feels, and the last thing I want for her is for her to be unhappy, but at the same time, my greed just wants to take her for myself. I don’t want to share her with anyone else.  I know I shouldn’t think like that, but she’s the one  thing in my life that truly makes me happy.  I look forward to talking to her every night, but I feel this void when I’m without her.  I’ve lost her twice already and the thought of losing her again haunts me.  I don’t know how to be myself anymore.    She asked me that question again.  “How old are you?”

I’ll promise not to be one of the men in her life that would abandon her.  As long as she doesn’t do so to me.  Why is it so hard for me to open about myself?  Get rejected and its done. Hurt for three months and move on.  Just do it! No.  She’s not someone I want to just toss away like that.

I’ve stuck through and kept coming back.  All because I  adore her.

There’s a saying, “It never hurts to try.”  But there are so many things wrong about that.  The moment I say anything wrong, it might change things forever. I don’t want to lose what I already  have. But if I don’t try, I might lose it anyways.  It;s so complicating.  I wish things were easy as picking out a box of cereal.  Even that can be hard for me.

What do I doooooo?  Just give me a sign.  😦

Relax.  Sleep.  Forget.

Keep it to yourself Andy, don’t make her life hard on her.

Sometimes you only need a few words.  Or three.

No Time,

Hurry up.  We’re dreaming.

Pay it Forward

My hospital bill just came in.   It gave me a heart attack.  My face is still kind of swollen and it still kind of hurt.  Its been a bad year. Now I have to find a way to come up with the money.  My friend invited me to his wedding in july, but Idont really feel like going.  I didnt go to his bachelor party. I’ve secluding myself from alot of people.  I dont really talk to most the people around me anymore.  It makes  me sad seeing happy people.   If I could, I’d take Cassie to the wedding as my date.  I stopped hearing from her.  I wish she’d talk to me again but I think the shipped has sailed. Maybe just once more so that’d I know shes doing well and to say sorry if I’ve upsetted her or made her feel ugly, but Im sure shes probably happier now. Good for her.  I need to stop thinking about her. I miss you.

Im going to take some time off work after I get off tonight.  I want to take a road trip and see more of Northern california and maybe even Oregon and smell the clean air.  Learn to appreciate whats out there and learn to love myself so I can learn to love the people and the environment around me again.  Maybe clear my mind and find peace.  Reminds me of that movie Into the Wild.

Maybe once I get back Ill try joining the army again. And fail the health test again. I hadnt fixed my knee problems yet but it doesnt bother me as much anymore.  Hopefully I wont get shot and killed.  If I do at least I wont feel guilty.  Im not going to get in anyways.

I think we all need to help someone more unfortunate than us.  There are plenty out there who needs our help. We need to pay it forward and make the world a better place, not for everyone, but for the people whos lives we’ve touched.  If we can all do this…..