I forgive you

I started dating this girl at work.  She’s really cute looking and  had these really big boobs with an hour glass body.  A lot of guys at work look and stare at her like a bunch of perverts.  I stayed away from her for awhile because I thought she hated me for some reason or just snobby.  Everyday I’m sitting in the lunchroom reading and eating my lunch and she’d  walk pass by me multiple times to grab water or lunch.  She gives me this weird face and looks a way.  Sometimes she’d say hi kinda mean.  I figured maybe she doesn’t like me for some reason, so I never bothered talking to her. But a few weeks ago while sitting at the park just eatting a sandwich, she stopped and said hi to me.  We ended up going to the movies that weekend and went out a few times.  She was pretty cool and had a fun personality, but with her I didn’t feel like I wanted to know anything about her, I wondered what Cee was  doing.

I never felt like I knew enough about her.  I can listen to her talk forever. Sometimes I notice how she senses this awkward silence and starts talking about random stuff to make it less weird.  I appreciated that a lot.  She never really talks about herself.  Each night we talked,  I’d wake up thinking about her.  Sometimes I’d wake up to her voice in the morning and it makes my heart pound. It made me feel alive and happier when I leave for work.  I felt pleasant.  Now I wake up depressed.  I arrive at work, see my boss and I get angry.  I’d look at my phone to see if she texted me.  Nothing. I already expected nothing.   It got harder and harder each day for awhile.  Then I said fuck it.  She doesn’t give a shit about me…

Don’t go do dangerous things when you’re depressed.  The end result isn’t kind.  I survived Panther Beach somehow.  It was 4AM  in the morning and I was still awake.  It was hard to sleep, my eyes felt light, but my heart felt heavy.  I needed some air and drove down the 17 on an empty road.  My mind drifted and the yellow lines on the road darted by.  Its all I could see while listening to the waves smash against the rocks and static radio noise. Panther Beach is a secret mountainous beach.  There’s a rock there that spikes out 50 ft above the waves.  A 3rd of the way up there’s a secret cave that faces the sun when it rises. It’s an amazing view.  All the way to the top, all you see is the ocean.  It feels like a floating fortress above the sky when the sun is up.  I wanted to be up there, but it was the wrong night for it.  It was windy, cold and dark. I was alone.   I went climbing. The waves knocked me down.  I felt like everything in my body broke trying to crawl  out of the water. My body, face was mangled up.  I felt blood coming down my chin and my fingers felt broken.  I laid there in the cold, heart pounding hard but I couldn’t feel the pain. I waited until the sun came up and for someone to take me back.

My heart still hearts and I’m still recovering.  I’m all fucked up and mangled.

Cee messaged me a few weeks ago telling me a bout her insecurities being the reason she stopped talking to me.  I think she’s the type of girl that needs to be complimented everyday, she has this need to feel beautiful, but I already think she’s beautiful. Deep inside I think she knows this, but I don’t know if she believes herself or not.  Her eyes are just amazing.  I can stare into it forever. Her iris, like a milky way are percussion of stars. Her pupils inhale like the dense core of a supernova.  I want to lay face to face with her, stare at the catch light in her green eyes.  I wish I could tell her all this without grossing her out.  It would probably sound creepy coming from me.  I hope someday she meets someone that’ll tell her how beautiful she is inside and out.  He’ll say all these wonderful things to her and make her feel like a princess.  He’ll love her.  She’ll love him.  They’ll be happy and that will be that.

I’ve seen her on camera twice on accident.  She had it on while talking to me, but didn’t know.  I didn’t want to say anything, because I just wanted to see her.   Its not that I’m trying to sneak a peak, but more about getting to know her  better. I just wanted to feel more connected to her.  I wanted to hear her sing, and maybe one day see her dance.  I want to see her do the things that make her happy.  I remember when I first talked to her, she  talked a lot about dancing, she sounded so passionate about it.  She wanted to become a dance teacher.  She wanted to have a kid that danced with her like in that one video she showed me.  It was cute.   It then slowly faded and faded. I just wanted to hear her sing, remind her how amazing she is.  I sometimes wonder where all that passion went?   She tried singing to me once before a long time ago, she was so nervous.  From the little that I heard, she sounded  beautiful.   I wish she would at least share that part of her life with me. I just want to know her.

She had this youtube video of herself doing this ballet dance.  Ever since I watched that video, that Vanilla Sky song has been my favorite song.  It use to ease me everytime I’d listen to it.  I’d think about her jumping and tumbling, and then  think about the time she told me it made her feel “pretty”.    Now when I listen to it, it makes me feel different.  It became one of those happy songs that make you feel sad because it takes you back.

Christmas.  I thought we had never been closer. I talked to her practically all day.  I got to see her again as she walked  around, showing me her house. I wanted the day to last forever, but eventually it had to end.  I don’t know what happened, but she became more and more distant since.

I felt like an ugly Barry Allen to Iris West.  I kept all my feelings to myself, just to keep her happy and not lose her as a friend.  I know I’m not good looking, old, short and not the brightest or rich.  She deserves better.  I know it, but she didn’t have to suddenly leave me cold like the way she did.  It made me realize that she never really cared about me.  It felt like someone stabbed me in the heart.  I felt more betrayed than angry.  Its an aweful thing thing to do someone.  I’m getting angry just thinking about that right now.  I was so angry when she texted me.  So angry.  But I still miss her and I still l— her.    And I understand why she did what she did.

I was only ever someone around to feel the gap for her until she found someone else. She jokingly said that once to me, but I think deep down there was some honesty to it.   That’s how it felt the last few months.  I have this feeling in my heart that she wanted to be with Dalton and needed a way to let me go without hurting my feelings. It did the opposite.  It killed me inside.  She did it to me again.  It was abrupt.  Those nights before the last night, I felt she was fading from me.  I didn’t know what to do.  Its like  trying to run without legs.  You know something is coming but you can’t move to save yourself.

The only thing I have is a good heart.  Its not enough for people nowadays.  My age doesn’t help much either.  Its hard to get noticed when you don’t have the physical attributes.   I don’t blame her for wanting more.  Who doesn’t want the best?  I just wish it didnt have to be Dalton.  He is so wrong for her and deserves way better.    I just hope she ends up with someone who really appreciate her and not because she’s a pretty face or “mexican”.  She has so much  more to offer than that.

Her greatest attribute is her heart.  A girl like her is rare and  she’s hidden away where no one can find her.   Only the internet knows she exist and  I feel like I’m the only one that really appreciates her for who she is.

Sometimes I wonder if  I was a horrible person in my past life and is paying my dues in this life. My mom told me when I was growing up that I’m probably going to struggle in life. Some nights  before bed I look in the mirror and touch the scar on my face and think everything has been true so far.  I sometimes want to give up, but I think about my family and it keeps me moving.  I have so much pain built up in my heart over the past years, it gets harder and harder each day.  Its hard to stay positive, but I felt like my passion and motivation was starting to come back when I met her.

I only have a few things from her.  I once in awhile look at it and then put it away.  I don’t know what to do with it. Its the only thing of hers. But it hurts everytime I look at it.  Sometimes I can smell her scent when I look at this shirt she got me.   I had it by my side for awhile, but  a decided to put it awaay  awhile ago. It reminded me of her so  much.  She made me this friendship bracelet.  Ive been looking at it  and don’t know what to do with it.  I want to throw it out because it hurts so much seeing it, but I can’t.  She made it for me and its the most important thing I have of hers.

I learn from her a lot.  She teaches me to respect and to love. She told me to tell my mom she’s pretty.  Now I do that all the time. I give her flowers and remind her I care. She’s a reminder that there are good people out there.  I feel whoever ends up with her, will be the luckiest guy in the world.  I know its cliche, but I  do think that.  She’s rare.  I’ve never met a girl with such a beautiful heart. She really does touch my soul.  She makes me happy, I forget how aweful life can be when  I’m lying in bed, listening to her talk.  When she preaches me, tells me about god, it relaxes me so much.  She has this power over me. She scares me sometimes.

I still wonder what that problem she had was, that she couldn’t tell me.  I don’t think  I will ever know now, but I hope she’s  alright. Someones watching over her.

I’m stressed and getting fat again.
I need to get back on track and get back some positive energy.   Have faith Andy. Things will get better.


I don’t wanna call you
Because I used to call you everyday and night
I don’t want to l— you
Because I wouldn’t be able to do anything on my own

Gravity starts to pull me down a little
I caught my breath and headed towards the middle
She doesn’t want to fall the day she leaves me

The more I devote myself to you
The more my own identity will be gone

I don’t want to miss you
That’s why I refuse to care about you any more

The more I devote myself to you
The more my own identity will be gone

I’ll do this all on my own


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