You know, when you think someone is your friend. They go and stab you in the back, even with just a single comment. That fucking hurts. The world sucks because of bitches like these. Here I am, a nice guy. I harm no one, I keep to myself. I joke around a little, sometimes I say shit I dont mean and ppl fucking take it up the ass. Stupid fucking bitch, they don’t see the person you are, they see what they want to see. They see your mistakes, and your flaws. They see the mistakes you do. I’m already stressed out as is and I get false allegations. Stay the fuck away from me if you feel that way. Here I try to only see the good stuff in friends, but sometimes its just taken too far and things like these said, you can’t forget it. I already forgave and forget the things said before, but man, it just keeps coming doesn’t it? I can’t stop bitching righ tnow coz I’m too fucking pissed. Writing here won’t calm me, I need to fucking scream. God it fucking hurts. And ppl wonder why I avoid them. I really want my old life back. So happy, life was so great. I sacrificed a lot of shit to make people happy and what the fuck do I get back? A slap in the face. “You don’t deserve to live ass hole!” Make fun, talk shit about me all you want, but don’t fucking accuse me of anything like THAT! People have opinions, I’m not holding that against them,. but that’s not going to take my pain away. What a fucking year it has been. If you hate me, then hate me, but don’t bring me down to that level. I can only take so much criticisms. I deserve better.
Ah, can’t sleep. Too many stuff coming up in the upcoming 2 months that I’m worried about. Can’t stop thinking about it. Ive been squirming in bed for 2 hours now trying to forget and go to sleep. ZzzzZZzzzz now I’m not even sleepy anymore. It’s almost 2am now. Doh…so much for sleeping early. Well guess I’ll have to do some web surfing til then. :-p
Santa Cruz Sucked
Went to Santa Clara Beach Boardwalk today. Nothing special. It’s so dirty. Back when I went, there were hot women laying all over the sand getting tanned. Today what did I see? Middleaged ppl flopping like whales over the ocean tides. There were some ppl playing volley ball though, I wanted to just jump in and hit the ball haha. Life would be grand if I could be able to just sporatically go up and hit every single volleyball without getting my ass kicked by angry white ppl. haha One thing that I noticed there was how everyone kept looking at me coz I was the only asian dude there. What? You never seen a yellow man before? That gave me no discomfort whatsoever so whatever. I was planning to jog on the beach but eh…too many ppl there to spectate me gasp for air. I also wanted to go hiking there, but didn’t know where the hiking spots were. Besides, I was wearing sandals so that would probably suck. Well John was suppose to go with us and bring a long some bootie, but we all got tired of waiting for his ass. I specifically said 10 am, but we waited til 11am for him anyway. After we didn’t hear from him, I thought aw fug it, going to leave now. I didn’t want to end up coming home after dark so yeah…ANYHOW. It was pretty boring, would have been cooler with more people.
Too Much Aggravation in One Nite
Ah I’m a little stressed out. People think I do nothing, but I do a lot and never get credit for it. I’m not like my brother where I have to do something infront of people to get notice, I do it when it needs to be done and usually no one is around to notice my merit. I go out of my way just to do things for my mom, but I don’t think anyone at home appreciates what I do for them. It’s not something you should complain about, but man it just gets to you after time. My worth is deliberately ignored. I have so much homework to do, I try to do my best but I never get peace and quiet. As long as I’m home, I can’t isolate myself from these duties my mom request of me. When I’m not in school, I wake up at 8 or 9. The moment I’m up “Deliver this stuff for me,” “Pick this up for me.” I don’t know how much gas money I use up doing all her work. I mean I don’t mind it, but I don’t have the money to pay for gas all the time and I dont have the time to do her work all the time for her and then get criticized for not doing shit around the house. I don’t want to be rude or anything, but what the heck is wrong with you mom? Don’t you see the things I do for you? I go to the bank for her, I make calls for her when she makes mitakes, I fix her bills because she sends them in late, I bring hot fresh food for my nephew at his preschool. I go home, get on the computer, do my homework for what? An hour before I have more things to do? I have to work out to keep healthy and in shape when I have time. A lot of nites, I just have to leave the house to get some fresh air. Sometimes home is not so sweet. I have to have fun sometimes.. You have no life if all you do is work for mommy and shove your face inside a book all day. Hell no, I have a life too, I need time to have fun.
“WHY DONT YOU DO ANYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE???” My response? “Woman….take a chill pill.” haha I do say stuff like that to her sometimes just to get her off her pissy mode. I’m use to the criticism. Just sometimes it would be nice to get credit for what I do. Which is a lot. I’m not doing so well in school these days anymore because my mom has been stressing. I been taking some of her load on me. I don’t like it when my parents are upset. I’m the big bro in the house so I guess I’m always going to be the one that’s going to step up when things go quaky. My bro…all they do is play games. They have very few things to do around the house. My youngest, he does the laundry now and he spends a week doing one laundry. I talk to him sometimes about worrying about school, but he does not listen and just keeps playing. If I had the time he has, I’d be spending that time enriching my mind with something useful, and honing my skills so I can get a freaking job after college. My other brother, he takes a bath for my nephew and thats about it and he complains about having too many shit to do around the house. I want to fucking slap him so much. That’s what happened the other day. I got so pissed at him, I punched his computer chair across the room. The damn chair was metal underneath and it busted my fist pretty badly. My whole fist got all numb half an hour later. But man….that felt great. I don’t hit my brothers, or family at that, but letting my fist eat steel like that really took a load off. I hope I didn’t fracture anything. It still hurts right now but I can type ok for now,unlike yesterday which was owww.
Anyhow, my brother argued with me over an internet connection. I had to dowload a video for class and it slowed the connection down and he was lagging during his fucking pc game. He told me to turn off the download, I told him no. So he unplugged my line. I came over told him to plug that thing back in or I’m going to bust a nut on him. He put it back in, I came back downloaded again and bam….unplugged. Happened 3 times I got pissed off.
He’s always online playing videogames, and being the older brother I let him have his ways all the time. I can’t download shit! Or do anything on the net except read things. I was already stressed out that day dealing with my brother’s car accident. Came home had to deal with my parents and make sure they don’t go over board yelling at the poor kid so it put me in a bad mood. But he(middle brother) goes and unplug my shit. I’m just trying to chill and do my homework at the same time here and that fucker had to put me over the limit. My mom was yelling at him for not paying his insurance, and he responded like a jackass. “Go ahead just sell my car, you can drive me to school everyday.” His face, I wanted to punch it. He complains about me asking for money to get food, but what does he do? He makes my parents pay for his fucking car and insurance. When I yelled at him, he said I had an attitude? What attitude? In my opinion, I think I’m very cool and laid back. I don’t give anyone an attitude unless I’m playing around. But him…a lot of pppl hate his ass and I always stick up for him. I dont know why I even bother. Then what put me over the board was when he said I was fucking lazy. “What the fuck did you say? What the hell do you do around the house? Sit and play your fucking game?” He responds, ” I hardly play games.” This Little fugger is oblivious to reality. He needs to watch himself, what he does and what he says. It’s like he doesn’t notice what he does. I lost my mind and started cussing at him fuck this fuck that haha. He’s like “yeah yeah blah blah whatever.” Instinctively, I punched the chair and it flew passed him.” My mom came over crying coz we were fighting. Started yelling at me saying I’m cussing her out. I’m like mom! Fuck you doesnt refer to you! I don’t know why she gets on my back for saying that. Him, he says mother fuck this mother fuck that out of no where. He cusses profusely. Almost every single sentence and it always has the phrase mother fucker in it. And why when I just say “fuck you” to him once and I get clawed on. Things are unfair here. Anyhow, he took off out the house and my dad started lecturing him. I over heard what my dad said and it made me a little happier. He’s the only one that understands me. He’s quiet and doesn’t talk much, but he acknowledges me. He yelled at my brother. “YOU called him lazy?? What do you do around the house? All you do is sit in your room and sleep or play videogames. When we ask you one simple thing, you complain! You act like a king in this house. You complain about ppl but why dont you listen to yourself.? You tell us to wake you up for school at 8 but you wont even wake up! We can’t even touch a dollar from you, and you want us to pay for your car and your insurance?? blah blah blah.” After that he hadn’t talked to me yet. But you know what? Who cares. He’s not the one that should be pissed, I should be. He’s the only one I really ever lose my mind to. If he’s got one talent, then its the ability to piss me the hell off.
Anyhow, a lot of times ppl talk about how I don’t graduate yet. How I’m not making real money yet like other ppl. Well news flash, I’m not other ppl. I’m me. I don’t learn as fast as ppl do. I try just as hard. Most of these guys have complete time to themselves, while more than half my day is dedicated to unmerit responsibilities. I know there are way more ppl with way tougher situations, but in my mind, the boulder on my shoulder feels just as heavy as the one on theirs. If I had all the time those jackass’ have, I can almost guarantee that I can define my place in that crowd of successful people.
On top of all these, I ordered a guitar today. There’s this tune I been wanting to play for the longest time. I had Wes help me pick out the guitar. It’s a beginner’s guitar but he said it’s still pretty good. He’ll be teaching me how to read and write music so that’s going to be another thing that’ll keep me occupied. Man, there’s so much thing I’m trying to learn, hope it doesn’t give me a brain leak. 🙂
One last thing. I lost 2000 bucks. Had to pull it out of the bank for my mum today. Went to the mall with a friend coz she wanted jeans….and my wallet got stolen. Security guard got back the wallet, but the money was no where. On top of that, I just sold my laptop for 2000. Even trade? I think not. Year of the Rooster.
Last night out before swing shift beckons once more
Ah, not again. Back on swing shift. SWING SHIFT. They spoiled me with the day shift and then tossed me back in gutter swing shift. I finally got stuff to do again and then boom…hey Mr Tu, your fun is over back to work. Had to work with a mild hangover today. Man, my alcohol tolerance has gone down quite a bit. That’s a good thing I guess, I mean it costed 80 bucks to get half drunk. I could have used a few more shots, that stuff was pretty good, but the waitress said she couldn’t give me anymore because I already had too much. Ah well, I got pretty jiggly so I guess that’s cool. Little Asian Sensation Ha was right, she warned me I’ll be pissing all nite, which I did. But you know what? I’m sure it’s just the liquid. I would have pissed with a glass of water. 🙂 I’m kind of dissapointed that I didn’t get pissed drunk like I was hoping to do so, but it was still fun. We went to go play pool afterwards. I was pretty dazed so I had no idea where this was, but I think it might have been on Steven’s Creek correct me if I’m wrong. Although I suck just as bad sober, my eyes were a little blurry so it was kind of hard shooting the darn thing. I was hoping to mutiliate Nancy, but I guess it didn’t happen. I”m no longer a man. She has stripped me of my chest hair with that win….of course she did cheated. 🙂
Anyhow, we were suppose to go to the Peppermill, but “someone” didn’t know it all closed down so we ended up going to BJ’s Brewery instead. Notice how my story is all jumbled up and jumping all over. Yeah….I’m thinking in pieces at the moment. I got a brain traffic. Everyone seemed really happy so that put me in a really good mood. I just hate it when people get all grouchy and shit, that puts a damp in your friggin day. They’re all pretty innocent. All passing drinks and tasting each other’s. lol I thought that was pretty cute, it made me smile all nite. I tried to get Ha to at least taste the liquor, but she’s like no no I’m a high class martini girl. I’m thinking….cool beans! They’re not drunks like I thought they were. And….they better not become one or your friendly neighborhood Super Hero Tu will have to come and save them from the evil that once brought about Prohibition! Well Nancy drove us home in my truck . Bottom line: It was a satisfactory night so merry Christmas to all, and to all a happy new year. As for me, work beckons. Fun fun J
You’re dead. You are only allowed to take one memory with you. What would it be?
I was asked a question in pyschology today. Or actually, told to actualize a situation. “You have died. You are passing over to the other side. In this case there is the other side. You are only allowed to take one memory with you. What would it be? And why?”
To start off, does anyone think it’s possible to not exist in your own mind? I think it’s kind of wierd. How would it be possible to not exist? When we’re dead, do our mind just go poof…blank? Or does it get passed on to another body. I rebutted this once to myself before and compared it to when you’re taking anaestesia to get knocked out. The doctor puts on the gas mask on your face, the moment he takes it off you’re wondering, “Woh…it’s over? I’m so woozy.” That’s what happened to me when I was in the hospital. The gas mask went ontop of my face, i struggled for air in scent of pungent strawberry. The doctor took the mask off, and my eyes were half open. I didn’t dream, I didn’t think. It was nothing like a deep sleep. At least in a sleep, you know you’re sleeping and dreaming, but getting knocked out was a completely different experience. It’s like it never happened! Even after that experience, I still thought to myself, is it still possible to just stop thinking? To stop existing?
Anyhow Ms. Teach thang, I’m still alive, but I’ll pretend to be dead for your sake. I’m passing on the other side and I see a court yard full of catholic school girls in their school girl uniform with short skirts. In other words…PARADISE! I’m allowed to take one memory with me, and I choose to toss it away. Memory only gives you pain! Gives you thoughts of envy! Memory sucks, ignorance is bliss. I don’t want to remember skimpy skirts if I’m not getting any. And if I do, remembering it won’t bring it back so what’s the point? It’s only going to depress you. 🙂
Memory? What memory?
Such a great day
Man, it’s such a beautiful day. I’ve been smiling all day. Been in the best moood in such a long time. I was so exuberant at work today, people kept asking me if I got laid or something. Haha. I just told them, naw it’s such a nice day, I don’t know why I’m smiling. Man possibilities for a day such as this. Basketball? Workingout? Jogging? Fishing…ah I would love to go fishing right now, no time at the moment though. Mental note, must go fishing this summer. On the side note, we’ve been fixing up this house so we could sell it. I’m going to be moving down to Blossom Hill at a newer house. Now I’m going to have my own room. No more drifting in the living room this summer. Anyhow, can’t waste the sun sitting at home. Time to hit park or something. 🙂