Few Live Journal Favs
Ah….a new journal. I’ve read some old entries and I feel like adding a few memories of my previous journal before making change and be rid of my previous.
|Wednesday, January 1st, 2003|
Im getting older
Wow, its new years and the 3rd year of the new millenium. Yup, 2-0-0-3, 2003. We’re all a whole year older, and older we are. For the younger ones, its a year closer to responsibility. Me I’m there for a few years now, but its getting closer for me to be a full fledge adult. Times running out, we all gotta get serious now and no time for fooling around coz life is short and it gets shorter after many aging years. Is’nt this great all? We’re gonna be responsible for everything. I really hate growing up. I wish i stayed 21 forever and retain my youth. I’m not there yet, but i know for sure life isnt easy. Easier it’ll get yeah, but it’ll never be as easy as the life we all have when we’re little. Well at least for pedegreed ppl like me, it wont. I only see time as an open wound that can never heal. Treat it you can, but it’ll never heal. Your age will just bleed numbers and you will just grow old and silent dwelling in the pass. Are you old yet? We’re always old as long as we live. We’re always dwelling in the past.(I dwell in the past) It sucks. I wonder. I think. I marvel and gander. It’s depressing. I only have a few years left to enrich my knowledge. I still haven’t moved on far enough to be the guy i plan to be. The wolrd is releasing me years before my hour glass rest. When released, i’ll make like an hour glass, flipped back up with a broken bottom, pouring dead conscience through an endless pit of unkneeling desires. I need a world of acceptance, not a composing story written with flacid endings thats compromised for acceptance. The world is a tease, its given to us like the pandora’s box. Open it and u get surprises. To me, nastier surprises the older you are. The dumber you are, the nastier they are. I opened it half way. It’s eyes burn red with intimidation. When i open it, it could be what i see, or what i dont see, a good forward in time or a bad turn towards the future. Yeah, i really need to get my ass going, i feel so uneducated, my wisdom is of a teenager, i lack the abilities to be someone who’s independant. Im so mothered. I hope I’m successful in life, it worries me every day thinking of these coming days. We’re not given much time nowadays to wisen up. I guess we’ll have to continue on that line forcefully. I really want to be that person up there. I really want to be able to live up to ppl’s expectations and live up for them for respect and understanding.
Wish the real world wasnt so cruel, im drowning in their wants.
|Thursday, January 2nd, 2003|
Still thinking about it. Yup
Yup, im off to the Moscone Center january 4th. I’m gonna be a defenseless security guard, minor powered and hardly above the law. I’m packed and prepared but not quite ready. Kinda looking foward to it, thatll be something that will get me off my ass and start stuff up again maybe? My new years resolution? To not have my head up my ass and worry. Rather that, i will have to go out and forget it. Whatever it does for me, hopefully itll help me feel better about myself. What made me feel pretty good was actually talking to someone for so long. Come on 5 hours on the phone. Now that was really long, ive never talked to anyone that long before, even if it was all about nothing. Yeah her laughter made me forget about my worries. i loved it. Whatever i said made her laugh. “my goodness” lol i love that line. I didn’t even wanna get off the phone, i wanted to keep smiling coz i felt the world was mines at the moment. I’ve never ever sung to anyone before, i never wanted to. I know i sounded like an idiot, but hey it made me all giddy inside and thats never too much for me. She even sang back to me. heh that was great. Im in the sky. B-) That’ll probably never happen again, but at least i know there are things out there that will stop me from worry about things. But now im always thinking about that nite. This bad or good? hmm A lady who read my tarrot, said i have a busy mind, and in the future i will have an even busier mind and i must find a way to relinquish the thoughts. To be busy, i will never be forfiled. Must be relaxed, so I’ll find a way to be relaxed. when that time come, i’ll already be victorious. 🙂
|Saturday, January 11th, 2003|
Well I’m finally home from frisco. It was tiring there, but fun none the less. Now im finally on my vacation away from vacation. Enough egolistic torture and now about my time there. Well there’s not much to talk about except a few things. It was better than staying home only because i wasnt at home. Other than that, the hotel sucked, the last few days the maid didnt even come in to clean. They left it dirty as heck for us. Not to mention john’s presence. My god, the guy is dirty as hecka, made my life a living hell.haha not really but he was extremely dirty. Very much irritated me and victor, but we got over it until he lost his keycard and took ours. So during the day before we went to work, we werent able to go to lunch coz if we did we’d be locked out. I figured maybe he’ll come back tonite before we get back from work, but u know what? When we came back his ass werent back at the hotel so we got stuck outside for awhile and then we got a new keycard from the attendant. So we got the door open and then i left the card on the table and took the clothe for laundry AND accidently left the keycard inside the room. And darn it, it was raining and already 2am. great just great. during the day when we were working, i got demoted from my position coz an Ipod got stolen from our post. I can say it’s not my fault, but since i was in charge so then i was held responsible. They gave me 3 dumbass girls to work with, they didn tknow how to do shit. I gave them their post and assigned them their task but they keep wandering off th eir post and talking like dumbasses while victor and I went around working by ourselves having to lose an item at one of the post. Dumbasses i SWEAR!! They replaced me with a power hungry dip shit. The guy became a prick the moment he took my position, kept bossing us around blah blah, all that and he got 2 Ipod’s stolen. o well i hop ehe trips and break his legs.lol but yeah im home now, went to the car show today blah blah blah…nothing really all that great. Im reading “way of the peaceful warrior by dan millman” at the moment so yeah thats all i have to sa for now..feed backs will come later.
|Wednesday, January 15th, 2003|
I keep putting this off, but a few nites ago i had this wierd dream. It’s a dream about a murder or something like that. Possibly a thriller of some sort?
Its vaque, everything is vaque when you’re me though. I’m quite senile for my age. Hmmm how was the scenery, it was cramped and appeared to be my house back in honolulu dr. extended in away that appeared to be my current house. Connected even, i cant get it through my head how it looks. Long dirty white hall walls along a cramped hallway that appears to the eyes that they’re squeezing in. Light radiates from beyond the outskirts of each end, clerifying the rust and mold plastering the old ridden doors. It was a murder, and i only remember that one scenario, i passed REM so its quite hopeless to remember what really happened. There was this girl, a hispanic girl, medium length red hair that touches her shoulder, her face peachy and flushed, quite fair. It was happy, it was nice, seemed like easter dancing like hippies. But the mood had an ironic change of paste, everything seemed gaused and speeding narrowly towards a first person view. What lied infront of me was the girl in the murderer’s hand. I see it, but i can’t describe it. Old? i dont know? Sure as hell not young. Dirty? Clean? Ruggid? i dont know. It’s right infront of me thats what i remember. I know there were more ppl involved in the dream, but this is what i can dish out from my fragmented nightmare. The dream is telling me something. What appears to be peaceful can easily be dreaded to misfortune. Maybe its telling me life is easy when you’re dulled with love, but sharpened with hatred. So ill need to hone my blade correctly. :-p
|Monday, February 10th, 2003|
Funny shit going on here
Wow this week has been pretty funny. Remember the Corrie and Steven thing? About how they had sex? not first, not second. Yeah the 3rd time. Rape? i doubt it, steven did it 3 times,he must have enjoyed it all.haha anyways thats weeks ago, old news. I did some pretty cruel things lately, not bloody mess or anything sht like that, I mean i really fucked up some ppl’s self esteem this past 2 weeks. You know what? I’m proud of it, i know i got the intelligence to do such things. Pretty keen yeah? of course, they call me Underwear. I go that name for a reason you know? B-) More like AnhDaWear from Mark the cambel soup Delucca.haha Anyhow, just yesterday I did something pretty funny to Manuel, didnt expect the guy to get all assed out about it, but yeah i got him good. Victor and I of course. We were sitting at the computer, pretty bored you know and we decided to go into a gay chatroom, have ourselves some fun. Tons of gay ppl tried connecting to our webcam. Master? Thats what one of hte guys wanted me to call them, master. call me master and ask me to do things blah blah, pretty disturbing shit. So im like “MANUEL!!! get in here, i want u to talk to someone cool. And manual ran in excited and all that good stuff. I told him to show off his Nipple ring, god i was grossed out at the site, he flips up his shirt and jiggles his nipple ring towards the camera. The guy on the chat was like “you nasty boy u keep going i want to see more” manuel was like heck yeah, so he took out his shirt and his fatass man sagging boobs faced me with his tattooed back facing the Monitor showing off his full tatoo, man i really didnt wanna see that but he got really excited, me and victor laughed. Manual asked us what chatroom is this? Im like “yo manual read the fine prints buddy, Gay Chatroom” hahaha he was like “no fucking way…that is mess up, so cold….fuck that shit” He kept cussing and took out the room and pounded the walls. “im gonna stab those mother fuckers if they ever come near me” Me and victor laughed our ass off. I swear hes still anal about that happening.lol “im not gonna get girls anymore!!” lol that was some good stuff. Man im sure lots more happened but i cant get my foot in it, cant quite remember. Oh yeah i got a stalker now too, im not even gonna go into details with that, it gives me the chills. Anyhow i’ve been up to lotsa antics lately, itll feel me an hour just to write it all down so im gonna end it now. going to sleep now. B-)
|Sunday, February 16th, 2003|
Wow…crazy. Just my luck. Today someone got stabbed in the heart and died at Valley Fair. Crazy shit. The kid was 15 years old and there was a fight in there or something apparently. It was suppose to be my first day of work today, gonna be trained and everything. I didnt go coz of my financial aids problem, but Victor went and his luck, he got to witness all this. He got to see the kid lay on the ground bloody and then later seeing his dead body. Man…thats really scary. Me not going today, and that happening must be a sign telling me that i shouldnt be working and not cut out for this. I wouldnt know what to do in a situation like this, maybe when it happens instincts take control and guides you, but i dont really see how or what i would do in this case. I dont wanna see a body…Ever. It will tarnish me so badly and i already fear death so much. The thing is, this was suppose to be our training day, our first day and this happens. I feel bad for victor, hes already suffered from a lot of things and now that this happens, its gonna really affect his ego. Bad things always happens when hes there, whats the deal? The guy is cursed or something. I dont wanna work there no more…..
“Lets see today was my first day of work. I really didnt want to go because anh decided not to work there and didnt want to do it alone. I still went but was late because i didnt have a ride there, so i had jamison take me. When i got there they yelled at me for being late then i had to watch boring movies. after that I went riding around with this guy in one of the trucks. We got a call about someone down, apparently this kid who was in a disturbance earlier that day was in a fight in one of the parking lots and was stabbed in the heart by an other kid. He as a 15-year-old Mexican kid. when i got there i had to see his body on the ground and blood every where. there was some one by him im not sure who i think a cop who was trying to help him out he had one of those breathing masks on the kid. It was scary ive never seen any thing like it before im traumatized for life now. Well I didnt even get to train today because of the stabbing I had to stand in the street and direct traffic the other way. They had blocked off the parking lot were it had happened. The police told me to turn all the cars that came by to go back so i did that for like 4 hours and it was cold and there was blood on a bunch of cars and police tape every where. This one white girl yelled at me for not letting her drive by. I later learned that the kid was sent to the hospital where his mom worked and thats why when they called his house no one was home because she was at work. It must suck having your son sent to the hospital where you work after being stabbed in the heart. well every one in the security office was sad, and the supervisors yelled at everyone because we didnt prevent this form happening. thats my story ”
|Wednesday, March 26th, 2003|
I need to endorse a legacy to be alligned for the future of my blood line. Sounds a little conceited, but thats what I feel i need to do. I have the flames in me that is yet to be reawaken, but my will has withered away. At an earlier age, i had it all, i had the speed, i had the power and the brain to penetrate defenses after defenses, tower after tower, i was the young wildfire tormenting the grains on every farm. I flash the eyes, i aw’ed the body, i woulded foes. I was a rising art, I was a creation behind fear. That’s a little bit of exageration.haha But yeah I was a good fighter back then, but i let it all go. Lost training, lost everything, i had so much respect and was so healthy, and look at me now. Im an out of shaped dreamer dwelling the past. To change that, im planning my own future in order to creat my future’s future. I going to start training and get as much knowlege back as possible. I know im not gonna be like i ever was considering my big lost of memory and my wounded fragile, my arm joint and a pair of tired legs thats lost tremendous speed and endurance. But to replace that, i have more mass and more strength, with strength takes patience of the mind, i am no longer a wildfire that engulfs, i am a floating stone, tough, but rythmic and painful to oppose. Not a stone wall that blocks and takes damage, just armageddon with direction and soul. I will treat the present and embower the future like i engulfed the past. I will rise again a different persona, a less prominent, but more damaging foe to fear. Years will past and i will grow weary and will lose the mind once again. BUT thats ok, i will find a desciple, one like myself to carry on my legacy and will hold my name and let me rest with pride in mind.
|Tuesday, April 29th, 2003|
I finally did it.
It’s been a few months, a grueling short few months. How long it was, but how short it felt. Time or not, I had to do something about it but couldn’t, so I willingly stacked a massive boulder of concern roughly hammered in bold prints “No BALLS!!” on my shoulder and carried it on for months. Yeah that was nice..why don’t I just stay in bed all day and watch the gravel ceiling form faces of dead presidents or a monkey scratching it’s butt from itch and pretend its talking to me. I had a crush that left me staggering with angst. You know…? That sucked. The first day i saw her, her lips reeled me in. Perfectly alligned with definition, it was to me, one of the prettyiest object surrounding the room. There was no details, its just a room and she was all that mattered to my care. She was all I saw, no ppl, no room, no walls no anything, just her and I across in a flat white room that was invisible to her. She saw what i didnt see, a class of eyes attentioned towards the teacher. To me, just her and white, her hypnotic lips, her trance-inducing hazel eyes, not me, just my presence, just myself, nothing else was even in peripheral vision was there to show me where I am. I knew already, and all i need to know was that she was in the same room as me. Everyday for the longest and the shortest time I had to watch her pass by me w/out words. It put me in a position where I really needed to embrace the chance while shes still there. Last week I came pretty close. Victor wanted me to go talk to her and in response I said no. IDIOT!!! SLAPP!!! I should practice on the power of my slaps so that next time I chicken out again, I’ll take the time to slap myself harder everytime I pussy out. SLAPP!!!
Wow…wouldn’t that be a rush, that’ll help my face look rouge and pretty. When I refused to talk to her, he decided to make the prerogative and talk to her for me, so I quietly yelled to him NOOOO and reached to grab him back but it was too late. I was neurotic, blasted myself out the exit with a few fast steps and down the stairway in a matter of seconds. I stood there animated and feverish hoping he didn’t talk to her. Then hello and behold, she walks out the door, and towards the stair slowly and casualy, i saw her and my eyes Widened. HOLY SHIT!!! HE DID IT FOR REAL!!! So I took off like a jackass, almost tripping and headed inside the restroom and stood there for a few minutes hoping the sign was clear. I went out and back up the stairs inside the class and he laughed at me. That beyatch Victor didn’t even talk to her, she just came down for a rest. Everything was fabricated to alarm me. Again….WHERE’d I DROP MY BALLS??? HELP ME FIND IT!!! Anyways, finally today I pushed myself to really do it. No other choice, the gap is closing in on me and even the biggest hour glass don’t last forever. I don’t wanna torture myself anymore.
April 28th, 2003 on a monday after role call.
Studdering, hard to understand, I tossed out almost undecipherable sentences that were cut in half. I could’nt finished my sentence, the nerve overcame me so I just had to shut up and give her what i wanted to give her. A gift i got her awhile ago but was too (whatever) to hand it to her. I got her a stuff animal(Eore from winnie the pooh) and tied around it’s arms an artifcial rose i had a hecka hard time looking for. By my surprise, she seemed to like it. Well, I wasn’t too sure but I liked how she reacted. Surprised…”Awww for real???? It’s so cute…thank you…awww etc.”
“My names Janel, whats yours?”
“Oh i knew. My names Anh”
And it continued for a bit, I walked her up the stairs, she gave me a hug, for all it’s worth, it was a kodak moment. I say I’m pretty proud of myself for actually doing this, didn’t know I had it in me. I was never put in the situation where I had to ask, but having to do this, I’ve accomplished one of the things I feared most and it also means that she’s the only girl I’ve liked enough to do it. And now its on to Wednesday, the aftermath. I must now learn to talk to Janel. Scary…heh
|Sunday, May 4th, 2003|
Starting friday, the 2nd of May my week started sucking. I mean…SUCKING!!! IT rained all day on friday, i walked to class, i worked home from class, and both time it rained and soaked!! So i decided to go watch Xmen: United while i wait for the rain to pass out. THE MOVIE SUCKED!!! Well it didnt suck that bad, i was just in a bad mood after all the rain, but enough about that, that was not even the tip of the iceburg. The next day, on saturday, my grandma died, my mom cried all day. Today my brother wrecked the durango, now we only have one car. And I hadnt worked for awhile, so since we dont have a car and i hdnt worked for awhile, i feel like i might lose my job which i dont want to happen. And earlier, i just got back from a traffic jam on storyroad, horrible, i was suppose to go pick up stuff, ended up 2 hours there and then going home empty handed. FACK!!! And tomorrow…….man i dont want what i think is gonna happen, to happen tomorrow. This is horrible…really horrible. 😦
|Thursday, May 20th, 2004|
Well a lot has been going on, I haven’t been writing in my journal. Again, my life feels hollow. Society once again grows older and myself just stays in the shadow people leave behind. I’ve had many opportunities to make better of myself, but all I do is evert my attention to more useless turns. If only my eyes could see what people see to evolve their mind.
The past 2-3 weeks, my friend Clete came over to visit. I had an awesome time and it made me completely carefree of what’s going on around me. School, work, girls, and importance of progressing was forgotten when I remembered to have fun. The stress I bore ceased, but today Clete left and now again I’m a friend short. We’re back to round 2, just ahead of childhood and in between success.
Sometimes I wonder if fate is embedded in our soul. I remember a line Tom Cruise said in The Last Samurai when he was told of his fate and said something like fate not being revealed until you find it.
I wonder then what my fate will reveal before my eyes submerge.
|Friday, May 28th, 2004|
Maria, Maria. I had a wierd dream of her last nite, a pleasant one if you were I and a unpleasant one if you were someone in love with her. The dream lead to one another, and the first one pioneenered it all. Ciro, Maria and I were sitting in his car. It was dark, the sky was unlit and inside of the car, the car light glowed in low profile showing shadows over our face and highlights on the edge of our skin. Ciro sat on the passenger seat looking back talking as Maria and I sat in the back seat. As for Victor and Clete, they weren’t there at the moment, but are in the dream. Clete played a small role, an invisible role with no dialogue, his presence was there but unseen and heard. Victor was in the store getting milk. Ciro and Maria were talking and joking and then hugged eachother I guess as a joke? I don’t know, but they were laughing and said “Don’t tell victor this.” Ciro apparently looked all proud of it and was all in smile boasting his charms on me. I thought “blah” and stayed quiet. Maria turned to the side and looked at me. She then climbed herself on top of my lap and sat facing forward staring into my eyes with her legs on each side and her ass rubbing against my crotch. I sat stiff with a mindless intervention. She close her head towards my face and gave me a kiss on the cheek and hopped right off my lap and back on her seat, right behind ciro in his front passenger seat. Ciro got jealous and stayed quiet and I thought “wow….i like that.” Victor came walking out of the store with a jug of milk in his hand all happy. Maria looked at him all wierd and he looked back at all of us wondering what just happened like a prison joe itching to know what the hell television is after being released from the slammers.
The one following this dream is a blur to me. I remember it very vaguely. I appeared to be suave and had a voice that was simply irresistable. I spoke my words in sophisticated english tongue like a cultivated Don Juan without his philandering. Maria came to me one morning and said to me, ” I don’t know how you feel about me, but I like you a lot..” in exact words as she turned her back with her head still attention towards me gazing in my eyes waiting for a response. I slowly stepped forward and stuck out my hand out signalling her to hold on. “You really like me?” Maria stopped and replied “Yes, I’m I love you.” Everything else in between here and later are all blurry still to me, but I resisted her. Taking Victor inconsideration, I didn’t want to mess around with her. Although it didn’t feel coy, I still didn’t want to go through with this.
Although I didn’t want to take her as my gf, I still suaved her with my voice, telling her if my friend wasn’t so into her, I would in a heart beat pick her up and make love to her. She didn’t go away and eventually we started becoming closer, talking and joking and touching eachother and kissing and then kissing became more passionate. Secretly, we became lovers. We made love. The next day inside a bank right before the exit, Maria and I were holding hands then Kerry(her fiance) walked in and looked all disfuctional. “What the hell….? whos this guy?” Maria looked down ashamed. I took her chin by my 2 fingers and lifted it up towards my face and kissed her. As she reached her hand over to grab me, i reciprocated and made out with her heedlessly in love. That’s all I remembered really until my brother woke me up to drive him to work. Such a great dream. I’ve always disliked Maria for the way she treats Victor
She’s so selfish and annoying. Common sense wise, she is a moron. She doenst consider things before she talks and she uses guys. She’s one manipulative bitch. She hasnt done anything to me yet except say that I smell like rice and “ohhh you’re so short, its cute.” Blah what an annoying chick. But still, why did I have such a dream? She was so irresistable in there. I’m in love with the maria of my dreams. No wait…I need to kill myself. haha
|Friday, July 23rd, 2004|
Man, what happened to me? I use to be so…what you call it, confident. Everyone I see, I figure I could kick their ass. Now when I see them, I hesitste for a challenge. I’d be thinking, “Can I take this guy?” The me of the past would have thought, “Fuck this, I don’t care how big or skilled you are, I’m going to kick your ass.” Everyone I fought I kicked their ass. The bigger they were, the more my ass got pounded but I fought back and showed them what I’m all about. I’m all about compressed aggression, silent and confident knowing the fate of everyone I fight. The biggest guy I remmeber fighting was at the martial arts gym. We sat in a circle and hand picked our own opponent. I picked out the biggest and tallest guy there was. I checked out how he fought and initiated my attack after I learned his capabilities. Everyone was shocked when I got him on the floor and it got me really known in that gym. More guys started challenging me, I ended up mopping the floor with every single student. That made my brother and I become the youngest instructor at that gym. I was so confident, but I wasn’t full of myself. I respected people and never underestimated anyone eventhough I’ll always think I will win. Now I’m just a washed up has been who haven’t trained in years, instead I been just lifting weights to feel my void in martial arts. I’m bigger and more cockier than now. What I got to show today doesn’t phase what I got to show at my best. At best I was a fighter. Right now I’m just an improbable muscle bound who has no real fight in him. Now I’m all show and no game, before i was no show but game. Blah, the turn towards my future doesnt look so bright. I started boxing and I been losing to just about eveyrone, my knowledge practically left me an empty shell. My power is gone even though im bigger now than ever. My speed definately deserted me. I’m no longer a speed demon but a short mammoth sloth.
Anyhow, what has been aggravating me latey is that Danny kicked my ass. He use to be nothing to me. He’s been training and his punch got so much harder and it definately hurt. His skills still are lacking but boy does he ever have power. I fought him and my punches doesnt even phase him. Boy do I ever need practice. I been out of training for too long, but lately i been trying to get back into it, but it seems like im not suppose to improve. I been getting injurred left and fight and getting sick, that made me lose so much training. I want to get better. I need to trim up, get stronger, get more power in my punches, and get my legs back and move like grease lightning. I need to fasten my jabs, and learn to use it as an arsenal. I DEFINATELY need a power blow for someone who passes my jabs. I want revenge, I want to kick Danny’s ass. The reason it’s getting to me so much is that HE USE TO BE NOTHING TO ME. We were in the same weight class and now he outweighs me by 20-30 lbs. I’ve gotten so shitty statistically also. There’s so much obstacle for me to go through to get better. Biggest obstacle of all is my studies, which will become my life. I’m a supposed artist. A wannabe artist needs plenty of time to better themselves just like a boxer does. Boxing and my computer Arts major both require a lot of my time. It is both conflicting. What do I want more? Of course the obvious is to become a better fighter, but the one i need is the one that will take care of me in the future. I dont know, whatever lies ahead of me, I want to be the best at it. I’m an aggressive fucker. I need the skills and talents to compliment. I’m a mind wandering artist, I need patience and creativity. I want to be the silent aggressor that infiltrate their enemy with creativity.